In two years time -hurt / comfort-
Seite 1 von 1
In two years time -hurt / comfort-
von Bloodpaw Sa Apr 18 2020, 14:28
Tony Stark
Pre Endgame
Hurt/Comfort
Heavy Topics
Trigger
Pre Endgame
Hurt/Comfort
Heavy Topics
Trigger
- here we go again:
He had tried to keep it all in all to himself and that over the course of the past two years. Skilled to fool everyone that he was at least /okay/. Even those he was close to. Those who knew him good, those who knew him by heart. By the heart he had kept hidden for so long and even now was not wearing on his sleeve, just so no one would hurt him. The person who came the closest to have his full trust, to have his whole heart would happen to be Pepper. But even her he had kept fooled. All of those who cared about him and tried to see past his facades he had managed to play. Just for the sake of looking stronger than he really was.
But had he really tried to fake being okay? Or had he been okay? The feeling of something being wrong only made up by his brain In order for him to throw a pity party for himself once again? What was true and what was his own lies, mingling their way into his head and brain, fogging it up to leave him less and less. To make him weaker and more vulnerable, to make him believe that he was the bad guy and deserved to feel the way he did.
The trauma and abuse of his past left him to believe it was all his mind once again. Accusing himself of being a “dramatic little bitch” and not worth the attention he would get once he said out laid he would not feel all too good, mentally speaking. But not all too good was a point where Tony Stark admitted that it had become unbearable on his own, never one to take painkillers to prevent the pain, not even when the pain already had settled into his bones and veins. Only once it became unbearable and made him unable to function other than with a painkiller. A headache was only to be mentioned or to be cued once his head was pounding like someone was hitting him repeatedly and white flashes of pain danced before his eyes, making him unable to see or move. Only then, he allowed himself to admit that he needed a chemical substance to aid him. Only then he would replto a question about his well being that he had a headache, only then and never before. The same scheme played out for all kind of pains Tony Stark suffered through, mentally and physically alike.
Although deep down he knew this was not true. It was not his mind, it was not his own brain playing tricks on him, no it was the way he really felt. It was the way he felt when he was alone, breaking down and crumbling. It WAS how he felt when everyone left him and he was on his own, left alone with all these dark thoughts he actually and really had.
But he had pushed them away for the past two years, as good as he could. The two or three times he had cut himself- they did not count. It only was one or two after all, nothing deep only so he was able to see the blood again, to feel the familiar burn on his wrists again but no- it did not count as relapse. He had been okay these past two years and he was such a fuck up for breaking like this now again, now that everything should be okay.
Now when everyone was there for him. Now when he had real friends, now when the world was save he should be too, should he not?
But he had acted like he was okay all the time out of worry that others might be concern by the behaviour he showed no one but himself, pathetic was it not? No , not pathetic but oh so broken. Broken? This sentence did not make any sense and Tony frowned at his own reflection. He did not remember walking into the bathroom.. he did not remember it- It was starting all over again.. This was not good- he could not simply forget things that was not normal. How long had he been standing there? Only mere seconds, minutes? Hours? He did not remember. And this was a very bad sign, the loss of memory meant he was getting somewhat apathetic again, he could not afford that..
The familiar blue glow of his arc reactor was missing and Tony frowned, glancing down at his chest. This was when he realized this had to be a dream, the arc reactor was missi- he had it operated out of him by professionals after Pepper had been cured of extremis, right.
Two years ago.
Tony Stark was not delusional and he usually did not forget things that happened in the last two years but his current mindset was fragile enough to go back to the point in his life where he had been bad, so bad that everyone was worried and god how he had hated it. How he still felt sorry for making all of them worry- he did not deserve their worry- that was why he was desperately trying too make himself believe that he was okay – he was still okay all fine and dandy, nothing would happen- he was Tony Stark, one of the bravest man known in American history and- he was oh so very broken.
His thoughts could not rest, his mind was working, thoughts spiraling inside him, hands getting twitchy, thumbs rubbing over the back of his hands. He wanted to get out alive- he wanted to get out of this situation, or did he wanna die?
He had to run! He had to- He suddenly felt like he had to run away from all of this, from the circumstance he was in,the environment he had to deal with. And that all by himself because of those goddamn walls the man had built around his heart and head. Like a grip of iron they had him- those self destructive thoughts kept him prisoner.
He was afraid of himself, feeling a strong desire to run away from all of this in order to get out alive. Fuck, he cursed out loud as he realized he did not know how to escape this. How would you manage to run away from yourself?!
Tony did not know. His thoughts were a mess. He could not focus enough on even one of them, swirling around in his head, making no sense. Resulting in no coherent thought at all, everything was in a blur only leading to even more confusion and despair.
And suddenly anger was filling him up like it was the only thing the man had ever known. He was more angry than ever before, at least how he recalled it right now.
He was more angry than he had been at the terrorists back in Afghanistan, he was more mad right now than he had ever been with Steve Rogers he- he was losing his thoughts again. Had he ever sorted them?
He was so very angry and – with a loud crashing sound like breaking glass that filled the quiet room, the mirror broke into tiny little shreds and the blood started running down his arm.
Oh fuck was this good. He could see the blood again, could feel the pain again oh how he had missed the sweet pain. There was nothing quite like the pain of hurting yourself, of cutting yourself or burning yourself with the intention to actually make it hurt.
Battle scars were something entirely different and they could never bring the same feeling, this..calmness.
Bloodpaw- junger Schüler
-
Alter : 23
Anzahl der Beiträge : 68
Laune : Zur Zeit ziemlich im Keller.
Re: In two years time -hurt / comfort-
von Bloodpaw Sa Apr 18 2020, 14:29
- Spoiler:
He should tell someone, he knew that. Of course he knew, he always knew when something was starting to be wrong with his brain again when his thoughts started to get all sorts of messed up again and he could not separate good from bad. But right now he felt no actual desire to tell someone - anyone. Not even his bots ,who could not do a single thing. Not even JARVIS who- no. Ultron- Friday... Vision...
He shock his head as he tried to clear it, clear his thoughts so they would not be lost in the fog inside his head. Right, J was not there anymore, neither the flesh version nor the artificial intelligence. And it was alright, he could deal with this.
The tears that started to stream down his face were something he could not deal with, upon notice, that is, good that he had not yet. Warm blood was trickling down his skin, down his arms and dripping to the floor as he lifted his hand full of glass shreds. He could... should he...? And once again no thought managed to be thought through as all of them seemed to overwhelm him, robbing him off of the choices he had, stealing his free will to act responsible and before he could do anything against it he had already picked up a big shred, one that looked sharp and had a small curve to it.
Tony knew that this was anything but alright but right now he did not care, why should he.
With no sound being made he used the sharp tool to cut through the skin on his left wrist, not deep, not long, nothing. But it was enough to pierce through the skin just the slightest bit, to cause a drop of blood or two. And instead of having a calming effect like it used to, used to bring to him years ago.. it made him panic.
It was not enough. It didn't hurt enough, didn't sting enough, there was not enough evidence, it .. there was not enough blood, not enough damage done.
This was the bottom line, the courtesy call but he could not act on it, a man as powerful as Tony Stark, not able to pull the last string on the lifeline- He could not get help because in the end everyone is victim to their own mind.
His thoughts finally came to a halt when the blade ran through his skin, cutting it open and leaving small red marks, filling up with blood.
Now he was cutting deeper, dragging the blade through the white skin on his arms, feeling how the knife cut through it as if it was as thin as paper, slicing the skin open, tearing it apart and letting the cut fill with blood that soon started to drip over his wrist, coating it with much more blood than before. The pain was sharp and clear and there was nothing else he could focus on now, it was so good, it made him forget. Tony did it again, even deeper now, tearing the skin apart, and a fifth time- now he stopped, he was breathing calm and slow, as if he had just had the most relaxing bath ever, as if he had not just sliced his wrists open.
At first they were small and would not scar, they were not deep enough to do so. But he increased the pressure in a steady manner and soon he was actually cutting his skin, slicing it open and leaving deep, gaping wounds caused by a glass shred, the blood covering his left arm and wrist, he was leaving the arteries out though, not because he was a coward but because if he intended to kill himself he would do it differently, this was for harm and harm alone. The only purpose of this was to stop his racing thoughts, to help him come down, to lose himself- to come undone.
And while he was kneeling there, in a puddle of shreds and drops of blood his thoughts began to race again, this had been short lived and his brain was starting to quote an article he had read about self harm once:
The relief that comes from cutting or self-harming is only temporary and creates far more problems than it solves.
Relief from cutting or self-harm is short lived, and is quickly followed by other feelings like shame and guilt. Meanwhile, it keeps you from learning more effective strategies for feeling better.
Keeping the secret of self-harm is difficult and lonely. Maybe you feel ashamed or maybe you just think that no one would understand. But hiding who you are and what you feel is a heavy burden. Ultimately, the secrecy and guilt affects your relationships with friends and family members and how you feel about yourself.
You can hurt yourself badly, even if you don’t mean to. It’s easy to end up with an infected wound or misjudge the depth of a cut, especially if you’re also using drugs or alcohol.You’re at risk for bigger problems down the line. If you don’t learn other ways to deal with emotional pain, you increase your risk of major depression, drug and alcohol addiction, and suicide.
Self-harm can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you.
It often turns into a compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop.
The bottom line is that cutting and self-harm won’t help you with the issues that made you want to hurt yourself in the first place. No matter how lonely, worthless, or trapped you may be feeling right now, there are many other, more effective ways to overcome the underlying issues that drive your self-harm.
His brain would not shut up, he started to scream, hands pressed to his ears, blood curling screams making their way out of his throat until he was raw and out of breath. No one had come to his help, no one would come and he knew it... everyone was busy with themselves-
“no..” he whispered to himself as he sank to the floor, curling up in his own blood and the mirror shreds. This was not true.
“They don't need you,” he mumbled, “no one needs you, Stark. No one wants you and ...” this was were his voice died and he just let his brown eyes slip close, whiskey colored eyes so sad and full of misery...
Unknown to him someone had heard and was already running towards his lab, worry on their face and fear of what had happened in the back of the person´s mind.
Bloodpaw- junger Schüler
- Alter : 23
Anzahl der Beiträge : 68
Laune : Zur Zeit ziemlich im Keller.
Ähnliche Themen» Just one kiss for good luck -hurt-
» Sleepless nights are filled with cheese -comfort-
» Time Hollow
» The Black Eyed Peas - The Time
» Sleepless nights are filled with cheese -comfort-
» Time Hollow
» The Black Eyed Peas - The Time
Seite 1 von 1
Befugnisse in diesem Forum
Sie können in diesem Forum nicht antworten|
|
|